Why Cheese Lovers are better than Ordinary Lovers

If there were ever a revolution required to bring about the utilitarian benefits that cheese so selflessly offers us all, I’m sure that it was both swift in purpose and ushered in by a generation of cracker lovers in search of a way to spice up their love life. Cheese has been the cause and solution to many of life’s more complicated problems.

Consider the following:

The facts stack up like layers of cheese drowning a Chicago style pizza. If I love something that will probably result in my ultimate demise, then I’m most definitely not scared to love without shame and inhibition.

I’m not saying that cheese lovers face judgement or any imminent danger, at least presently. It’s an odd post but I think in a way this blog defends itself in an odd, sort of self-indulgent way. This thought may not taste as tasty as freshly smoked Austrian cheese grated onto your spaghetti and meatballs, but it should at least give you something to chew on.

Käsekrainer: A Testament to the Ductility of Cheese

There are few things that I care about more in this world than cheese. It is a topping synonymous with the Canadian national identity when coupled with gravy and French fries. It is a friend of crackers everywhere and puts a smile on the faces of children across the globe. After years of hard work as a topping and a track record of proven results it appears clear that cheese needed take it to the next level. Enter stage right: the Käsekrainer.

The Käsekrainer is a sausage that is 10-20% cheese and was invented in Austria during the 1980’s according to Wikipedia. They are evidently a staple of every Würstelstand in Vienna and may be an essential part of your bar night ritual.

At first glance it may appear trivial that I’m wasting your precious time writing about a cheese sausage but I want you to consider just how incredible this concept is. Someone decided, probably mid dinner-time sausage, that regular sausage just wasn’t good enough and that we the people deserve more from our pink bellied animal friends. We decided that after we’ve killed poor babe the pig that we’d grind up his insides to be stuffed inside a tube along with a product we’ve prepared from his good friend and lifelong ally, Molly the cow. Could we possibly dominate a species more than this?

It seems bizarre that this type of meal-time innovation has become accepted every where with no real thought into why it is necessarily exists or that it just seems plain rude. It’s a good thing that this doesn’t bother me because even though they look disgusting, they’re damn delicious!

This song translates to “everything has an end and a sausage has two” which is why I’m leaving you. The story follows that a man decides to end his marriage simply based on this idea. The video is quite cheeky. Enjoy!

The Good, The Bad, and the Cheese

Cheese, they¹ say, is the cause for and solution to all of life’s problems. It’s impressive to think about all the happiness that the product of fermented milk has brought to all humankind. It has changed the way we experience our meat products; for some it serves well as an effective sandwich garnish or for those that must have cheese at point of contact there are cheese infused sausages and burgers. Some² say that too much cheese causes a person to gain weight while others³ say cheese has noticeable positive psychological and therapeutic effects by extending the joyful idealism associated of those that wish to some day pursue a healthy-active lifestyle. In this way cheese and problem solving have always been inextricably linked.

Some of my best and worst childhood memories involve cheese. My mother would often host Tupperware parties in order to elevate her social status in the “fresh-obsessed” mother segment in the marketplace. At this parties she would often make available a tray of Swiss Crackers and cheddar cheese. Indulging in these treats brought me happiness beyond the confines of this mortal world but it seems that all good things must come to end. I was forbidden from further snacks which were meant for guests. Following that, I fell into a cheese induced depression whereby I concluded that my mother clearly cared more for her guests than the proper nourishment of her own son. On that day I vowed that when I was afforded the freedom of choice that being of an adult allowed, I would consume a steady diet of cheese and crackers to get her back. I’m all grown up now and exist as a clear disappointment to my inner child, I voluntarily eat vegetables.

Cheese still exists very much in my life today. It is a necessary luxury, and an old friend that I refuse to lose touch with and as Gump would say “…and that’s all I really have to say about that.”

¹ they as they have been named here prefer not to be identified

² some as many call them are members of leading cheese coalition

³ others represents a 3^rd party consumer advocacy group that could not comment directly pending a cheese related lawsuit